^'t 



PS 3503 
.fl7755 
T4 
1920 
Copy 1 



TED 



A PLAY FOR BOYS 

R«v, P. J. Carroll, C. S- C, 



SCHOOL PLAYS PUBLISHING CO. 
SOUTH BEND. IND. 



Wst^^m 



A WORD TO THE BOYS 

The ^n\uA.yin\L if tiers received from 
teaching sisters all over the country com- 
mending previous plays by the author, 
makes him hopeful our parochial school 
boys will like *Ted'' quite as well as his 
other plays. He has tried to make Ted 
a real boy; not so good, of course, as he 
might be all the time, but trying to be 
most of the time. He has aimed not to 
offer goody-goody boys for Ted's com- 
panions, whose finger-nails are properly 
trimmed, and whose collars are always 
starched and white. He hopes, however, 
they are real boys, with red hair and 
freckled noses, their pockets bulging 
with a baseball, a fielder's mitt, a hunter's 
knife, a sling-shot, and 'way down under 
ail— a pair of beads. 

P. J. C. 



TED 

A P LAY FOR BOYS 

THREE ACTS 

REV. ?. J. CARROLL. C. S. C 



PUBLISHERS: 

SCHOOL PLAYS PUBLISHING CO. 

SOUTH BEND, IND. 



P3 3 505 



Copyright by 

REV. P. J. CARROLL, C. S. C. 

1920. 



This play is not sent free for examination. 
The copy for examination must be pur- 
chased. If produced, five additional 
copies must be ordered, and a royalty of 
five dollars ($5) sent to the School Plays 
Publishing Company, South Bend, Ind., 
who will issue permit for production. 
Staging this play without such a permit 
renders the offenders liable to penalties 
by law provided. 

Fifty Cents the Copy. 
Six Copies, Three Dollars ($3.00). 



©C1A606835 
J4N lOl^:;)! 



TED 

In Three Acts. 

x\ct I. Outside Ted DrexeFs Home. 

Act n. Room in St. PauFs School, next day. 

Act in. Track Meet on Commons, afternoon of same day. 



""' 


Characters: 




Father Nolan 


Pete Kerns 




Ted Drexel 


Johnnie Rose 




Jimmie Stone 


Snuff Garland 




Matt Doyle 
Max Harty 
Frank Cole 
Red Hayes 


Athletes 

Officials 

On-lookers 




Hank Smith 
Bob Fox 


Sleep 


I 


Dick Brown 


Sloth 


^ 


Dreams Sullivan 


Distraction 


^ 


Hobo Jones 


Tardiness 




Rabbit Dixon 


Trifling 




Happy O'Connell 


Industry 




Jumbo King 


Attention 




Babe Wesson 


Promptness 




Skinnie Dunn 


Neatness -^ 



Children 

of 

Sleep 



Costumes for Sleep and Children. 

Sleep — Black tarlaton, covered with stars. Carries wand 
or half -moon. 

Sloth — A fleshy boy, shoes untied. He enters buttoning his 
collar, his neck-tie hanging across forearm. 

Distraction — Clown suit. 

Tardiness — Foolish Virgin. Long white robe, carries lamp. 

Trifling — Ordinary dress, dunce cap. Carries school bag. 
"Trifler'' marked on it. 

Industry — Yellow tarlaton dress, wings, representing busy 
bee. 

Attention — Boy in soldier's costume, carries rifle, stands at 
attention. 

Promptness — Western Union dispatch uniform. Carries 
telegram. 

Neatness— Stiff white dress, blue scarf, "Neatness" printed 
on it. 



TED 

ACT I. 

Scene. A lawn, benches here and there. Ted Drexel 
sitting on the ground, his knees almost touching his chin. 
He is reading a book. A long silence after the curtain goes 
up, during which Ted is absorbed in his reading. 

VOICE (Off of the stage). Ted! 

TED DREXEL (Still reading). Yes, Ma. 

VOICE Did you get me the two loaves of Graham bread? 

TED DREXEL (Still reading). Nuh, but I'm goin' to. 

VOICE You'd better hurry! 

TED DREXEL Yes, Ma. (Keeps on reading. Some 
moments of silence. Enter Jimmie Stone). 

JIMMIE STONE Huh, huh, mister! What shu doin'? 

TED DREXEL (Without looking up). Coin' to get Gra- 
ham bread for Ma. 

JIMMIE STONE (Ironically). You ain't goin' very fast, 
are you ? 

TED DREXEL (Lost in his book). Nuh. 

JIMMIE STONE (Abruptly). Dad's goin' to g'me a 
bicycle for gettin' first in Catechism. 

TED DREXEL (Lost in book). Yeh. 

JIMMIE STONE An' Ma she's goin' to get me a purple 
sweater 'cause I dusted the rugs. 

TED DREXEL (Still reading). Huh, huh. 

JIMMIE STONE You won't get a bicycle, I bet shu. 

TED DREXEL (Reading). Nuh. 

JIMMIE STONE Nor a sweater. 

TED DREXEL (Reading). Nuh. (Enter Matt Doyle, 
reading out of a book aloud) . 

MATT DOYLE * 'England and France were now both ex- 
hausted, and by the Pope's mediation a truce of two 
years was concluded. During the truce the Black 
Prince died." 

JIMMIE STONE What shu readin' ? 

MATT DOYLE ^ 'Bout the Pope an' the Black Prince, an' 
the truce an' the war. The history fer tomorrow. 

JIMMIE STONE Listen, Kid: There's nothin' to that. 
Don't shu know you should never study when your 
mind's all tired out like you was sand-bagged? 

MATT DOYLE Sand-bagged ? Who's sand-bagged, I want 
to know ? 

JIMMIE STONE I said like you was sand-bagged. I 
didn't say you was sand-bagged, you poor fish ! 

4 



MATT DOYLE Never mind what you said. Only be ker- 
ful. I've killed men for less. (Turns to Ted, who all 
this time has been reading). Hello, Ted, what shu 
readin' ? 

TED DREXEL PotVy. (Recites, having closed the book) . 

Under the wide and starry sky, 
Dig the grave and let me lie. 
Glad did I live and gladly die. 
And I laid me down with a will. 

This be the verse you grave for me : 
Here he lies where he longed to be, 
Home is the sailor, home from sea, 
And the hunter home from the hill. 

MATT DOYLE (After a silence following the reciting of 
the poem). Say, Ted, that's a swell pome. Where 
did shu get it? 

TED DREXEL (Pointing to book in his hand). Here. 

MATT DOYLE (Looking at book, reads). "Selected 
Pomes. (Turning to fly leaf reads). *To Ted Drexel 

on his twelfth birthday. W. N." W. N.? Who's that? 

TED DREXEL William Nolan. 

MATT DOYLE An' who's William Nolan ? 

TED DREXEL Father Nolan. (Enter Max Harty). 

MATT DOYLE yeh, sure ! Never thought of it. What 
fer did he give it? 

TED DREXEL Fer, -fer, ringin' the bell when the janitor 
was sick. He said they were fine pomes. 

MAX HARTY (Who has been Hstening) . He didn't say 
pomes, Ted. 

TED DREXEL Aw, he did too. 

MAX HARTY Naw. He said po-ems. 

TED DREXEL (Mimicking). All right, then, po-ems. 

VOICE OFF STAGE Ted, are you going to get the bread? 

TED DREXEL (Going out slowly). I'm on my way. Ma. 

VOICE OFF STAGE You'd better hurry! 

TED DREXEL I'm goin' to. Ma. (Exit). (Enter Frank 
Cole). 

FRANK COLE (Excitedly). Say, kids, have you heard? 

JIMMIE STONE ) 

MATT DOYLE } Heard what ? 

MAX HARTY \ 

FRANK COLE 'Bout the track meet. There's goin' to be 
a track meet for all the schools o' the city tomorrow at 
three o'clock. Every school is invited, de Parochial 
and de Public. Gee, I wish we could go in. Bet we'd 
show 'em if we was 'lowed to go in. I've sent the 

5 



superintendent the entrees, but we aint got permission 
from Father Nolan yet. Bet shu we'd show 'em if we 
was 'lowed to enter. 

MAX HARTY If we were allowed to enter is better gram- 
mar, Colie. 

FRANK COLE Say, you just tend to yourself. I guess I 
ken use my own grammar. Besides, this is track- 
meet, not English. 

MAX HARTY Yeh, but Fother Nolan said, "A man may 
be a fine ball-player and still not say, we was." 

JIMMIE STONE Yeh, dat's true. But then he said in 
such a case that man would be an **avis rara." 

MATT DOYLE Whas' dat? 

JIMMIE STONE Don't you know what ''avis rara" means ? 
You poor crow! "Avis rara" means "a rare bird." 

FRANK COLE Never mind about grammar, fellas, nor 
about *'avis rara" either. What we want is the track- 
meet. Ken't we get it ? 

MAX HARTY Father Nolan\says, ''What a man wants 
he will have." 

FRANK COLE Well, we want a track-meet, das all. 

MAX HARTY Then what I say is fer us to see Father 
Nolan so we can get the permish. 

JIMMIE STONE Yeh, but we should have all the fellas, 
'specially Red Hayes. He talks kind o' well. 

MATT DOYLE An' Ted Drexel. He rang the bell fer 
three weeks and Father Nolan likes him. But Ted's 
gone fer Graham bread. 

FRANK COLE Yeh, Ted would be all right. And be- 
sides he's the best kid we've got for the two hundred- 
an'-twenty yards. He ken beat any kid in town. 

MAX HARTY An' above all, get Jumbo Smith. He 
knows his lessons an' gets what he wants. 

JIMMIE STONE An' Bob Fox. 

MATT DOYLE An' Dick Brown. 

MAX HARTY An' Dreams Sullivan. 

FRANK COLE An' Hobo Jones, an' Rabbit Dixon, an' 
Happy O'Connell, an' Jumbo King, an' Babe Wesson, an' 
Jimmie Dunn, an' Pete Kerns — 

MATT DOYLE An' Johnnie Rose— 

JIMMIE STONE An' Snuff Garland. 

FRANK COLE Say fellas, do you know what I know? 

MATT DOYLE No. What is it? 

FRANK COLE The fellas we want are all over at the 
bridge watchin' 'em put in the new piers. 

MAX HARTY Well, then, Cole, old boy, you go over to 
the bridge an' tell 'em to come on over. We'll wait fer 
you. 

6 



FRANK COLE Nixie. Whas the bi^ idea? Why I? 
Why Mr. Frank Cole? 

MAX HARTY Well, cause you seen 'em for one thing. 

FRANK COLE Yeh, seen 'em. But that's nothin'. Any- 
body kin see 'em if he goes over to the bridge. Let 
Jimmie go. 

JIMMIE STONE No, sir. I've bronchitis an' I can't run 
cause I needs lots of oxygen. Let Mattie go. 

MATT DOYLE No, mister; not me. I have a fever, an' 
runnin' makes it go up. You go yourself, Max. 

MAX HARTY Me! An' my mother just after tellin' me 
this morin' I mustn't do a single thing all summer 
'cept rest and get my nerves back. 

FRANK COLE Let's vote on it, fellas. Whoever gets the 
most votes will have to go. 

MATT DOYLE Yeh, and each fella will make a speech an' 
every thing like they do at the conventions. 

JIMMIE STONE Well, let's sit down an' act like we was 
in a convention. (They sit down) . 

MATT DOYLE Mr. President— 

MAX HARTY There ain't no president. 

JIMMIE STONE Yes, there is a president, mister. I'm 
the president. 

MAX HARTY Aw, who made you president, I'd like to 
know ? 

JIMMIE STONE I'm the great-great grandson o' George 
Washington. I was always president. 

MATT DOYLE Well, I nominate Frank Cole. 

FRANK COLE No, you don't. Mister. 

MATT DOYLE Yes, I do. 

FRANK COLE No, you don't, but I nominate Jimmie 
Stone, great great grandson o' George Washington. 

JIMMIE STONE Oh, ho, nix ! I got a sore foot. Instead 
of myself I nominate Max Harty. 

MAX HARTY No, siree. I nominate Matt Doyle. 

MATT DOYLE I should say not ! 

JIMMIE STONE I'm the president. You shut up ! 

MAX HATY Never say "shut up." Say "Hush up," "Be 
still," or so forth. 

JIMMIE STONE Well, kids, you write down the fellas you 
want to, and whoever gets the most votes — goes! 
(Jimmie Stone divides a sheet of paper, taken from his 
pocket, among the boys) . 

7 



JIMMIE STONE All right, fellas, let's vote. (They write 
on slips of paper, then hand them to Jimmie. He reads 
out the names). Max Harty, one; Matt Doyle, one; 
Frank Cole, one; Jimmie Stone, one. It's a tie, fellas. 
We're all tied. (Enter Ted Drexel with bread done up 
in paper) . Here comes Ted, kids. Let's vote him to go. . 

MAX HARTY Yeh, let's vote that Ted go, an' let's make it 
unanimous. 

TED DREXEL (Coming up) . Vote what ? 

JIMMIE STONE That you go over to the bridge and tell 

the kids to come on over 'cause we want to see Father 

Nolan 'bout enterin' the track-meet. 
VOICE OFF STAGE Ted, dear, are you coming with the 

bread? 
TED DREXEL Yeh, ma, I'm comin'. (To boys). You 

see I ken*t go, kids. I got to obey my Ma. (Exit). 
JIMMIE STONE Well, kids, there's nothing doin' with 

Ted. 
MAX HARTY Naw, he just does what his ma tells him! 

Yeh, he does, — sometimes. 
MATT DOYLE Now, kids, listen. We're all equal in the 

votes, so let's all go. 
FRANK COLE Das all right with me. I'm satisfied. 
JIMMIE STONE & MAX HARTY Yeh, let's all go. (They 

go out slowly. After some moments Ted re-enters, 

in one hand an open book which he is reading, in the 

other a broken zinc pail. He sets the pail on the 

ground, bottom up, sits on pail, and continues his read- 
ing. Some moments of silence). 
VOICE OFF STAGE Are you goin' to the tinner's, Ted? 
TED DREXEL Yes, Ma, I'm goin'. 
VOICE OFF STAGE You'd better hurry ! 
TED DREXEL Yes, Ma. (Silence. Ted reading. Silence 

continues for some moments) . 
VOICE OFF STAGE Ted, have you gone to the tinner's? 
TED DREXEL (Gets up, takes pail, walks short distance 

very slowly, still holding pail). I'm on my way. Ma. 
VOICE OFF STAGE You'd better hurry, I tell you! 
TED DREXEL I'm hurrin', Ma. (Goes out very slowly 

while he continues to read. Silence for some time) . 
VOICE OFF STAGE. Are you gone, Ted? 
TED DREXEL (In a far-away voice). Yes, Ma. 

(Enter all the boys from the bridge. Meet Ted) . 
JIMMIE STONE We're goin' to see Father Nolan, Ted. 

Won't shu come? 
TED DREXEL Nuh ; I'm going to the tinner's f er Ma. 
MATT DOYLE You're going fast, I must say! 

8 



MAX HARTY You wont win the two-hundred-and-twenty 
that way ! 

FRANK COLE Nixie. You couldn't beat a turtle the way 
you're goin'. 

TED DREXEL I ken run faster 'n lots 'o kids, maybe. 
MAX HARTY Yeh, you ken do the two-twenty all right. 
VOICE OFF STAGE Ted, are you there yet ? 
TED DREXEL I'm gone, Ma. (Quick exit). 
DREAMS SULLIVAN Now listen, kids, we ^ot to put 

this right to Father Nolan, 'cause if we don't the jig's 

up. 
HOBO JONES Das right, fellas. We gotta put it so 

strong he ken't say "no." 
RABBIT DIXON Yeh, an' some guy will have to make a 

speech an' be polite. 
HAPPY O'CONNELL An' we'll have to listen so we ken 

give the big hand at the right time. 
JUMBO KING I think Red's the best guy to make the 

speech. He's spoke lots o' pieces at school. 
RED HAYES Yeh, I ken speak The Boy Stood on The 

Burnin' Deck" swell. I bet shu that would make Father 

Nolan come acrost. 
JOHNNIE ROSE Yeh, come acrost with a gun. 
HANK SMITH Aw, Red, you're crazy. What's "The Boy 

Stood on The Burnin' Deck" got to do with a track- 
meet ? You got to make up a speech ! 
BOB FOX Yeh, o' course ; you got to make a speech up. 
DICK BROWN An' you've got to stand straight and hold 

your head back, and wave your hands like dis. (Illus- 
trates). 
BABE WESSON Suppose you practise, Red, so you'll know 

what to say before we get there. 
SKINNIE DUNN A fine idea! Just the thing, Red! 
PETE KERNS Yeh, just the thing; an' we'll give you the 

big hand every once in a while. 
JIMMIE STONE (Aside) . An' the big foot, too. 
RED HAYES Aw, I don't want no big hand; you just keep 

your big hands in your pockets. 
JOHNNIE ROSE Never mind, Red, just give us the old 

speech, and we'll do just as we want to. 
SNUFF GARLAND Now, kids, if we want to do it right 

we must go through the whole thing just as if Father 

Nolan was here. 
JIMMIE STONE An' since he aint here we'll have some kid 

act like he was Father Nolan. 
MATT DOYLE Good idea, Jimmie, old boy ! Now, who'll 

be Father Nolan? (Enter Ted with pail repaired). 

9 



SNUFF GARLAND (Seeing Ted). Let Ted be Father 
Nolan. 

JOHNNIE ROSE The very thing, kids. Let Ted be 
Father Nolan. 

PETE KERNS Will you,Ted? 

TEDDREXEL Will I what? 

PETE KERNS Aw, you know. We want you to be Father 
Nolan while Red tnakes the speech, asking him to let 
us enter the track-meet tomorrow afternoon. 

TED DREXEL All right, fellas, here I am. (Moves a 
short distance off. Sits on the pail, looks away from 
the boys. Takes a book out of his pocket and reads). 

MATT DOYLE Now, kids, let's all go off a little ways and 
then come back and act like we was goin' to see Father 
Nolan. 

MAX HARTY Yeh, that's a good idea; to rehearse the 
whole thing. An', Red, you lead the bunch. (All boys 
go off for a moment) . 

VOICE OFF STAGE Ted, have you come from the tin- 
ner's ? 

TED DREXEL (Goes in direction of voice. Speaks in 
loud whisper). Yes, Ma. But Father Nolan is here 
'bout the track-meet and I must stay with him. 

VOICE OFF STAGE (Lour whisper). Ted, dear, bring 
Father Nolan in. 

TED DREXEL He can't come in now, Ma; he has to see 
the boys. But he says he thinks he'll have a dish o' 
ice-cream. 

VOICE OFF STAGE Then, Ted, you run over town and 
get a pint of cream at the Elite. (Hands him money). 

TED DREXEL All right, Ma. I'll go after Father Nolan 
sees the boys. (Boys return with Red Hayes in the 

lead. Ted is reading. Boys stand around in no special 
order. Ted continues reading during speech) . 

RED HAYES (In nervous manner, changing from one foot 
to the other. Hands in and out of pockets). Dear 
Father Nolan, an' Fellow Citizens: We, the boys o' 
St. Paul's School, after havin' been invited by the 
Superintendent of the City Schools to enter the track- 
meet tomorrow af 'emoon at 3 o'clock, come now to you, 
dear Father, to ask you to let us go in with the other 
kids into the meet. (Boys cheer) . For, as Longfellow 
says: 

The boy stood on the bumin' deck. 
Whence all but he had fled. (Applause) . 

10 



t>o we say to you, dear Father, let us go into the track- 
meet an' we will win glory for our homes, an' our 
country, an' our school, an' you. An' we will show we 
are the kind o' boys that will be 'first in war, first in 
peace, and first in the hearts of our countrymen.' 
(Great cheering) . An' now, dear Father, as the night is 
comin' on, an' we must go home an' to our families, we 
hope you will let the good boys o' your school enter the 
track-meet tomorrow afternoon at three o'clock. (Ap- 
plause). An' this party stands for the people, o' the 
people an' by the people. I thank you. (Great cheer- 
ing). 

TED DREXEL (Pause. Ted stands on pail. Looks ever 
boys for some moments) . You poor mutts ! You cer- 
tainly have the big nerve to ask me, THE REV- 
EREND WILLIAM NOLAN, permission to enter the 
track-meet tomorrow afternoon. Look at you! What 
are you? Friends, Romans, Countrymen, when I 
look at these poor boobs, I have to laugh out loud. Ha, 
ha! Ho, ho! Look at you, Johnnie Rose, (points at 
him) , with your pug nose and your freckles. Ken you 
run? 

JOHNNIE ROSE Yes, I ken! 

TED DREXEL Shut up, you kent, 'cept when your Pa is 
goin' to lick you. Besides, I'm the priest an' you got 
to shut up anyhow. Well, as I was sayin', when I look 
at you, it almost makes me sick. You, Frank Cole, with 
your thin legs, and you. Hank Smith, with your big feet, 
and you. Dreams Sullivan, who doesn't do a bit o' home- 
work and makes your teacher sad, — 

DREAMS SULLIVAN That aint so. I— I— 

TED DREXEL You shut up! I'm the priest! An' you. 
Bob Fox, why are you here ? Ken you run ? Why, you 
poor nibbs, you ken't run into the water for a bath. 

BOB FOX Yes, I ken. I just had a bath down at the 
bridge. 

TED DREXEL Yeh, but you didn't wash back o' your 
ears. (Points to back of ears) . How dare you ask to 
enter a track-meet when you don't know enough to 
wash your neck even? (Points at his neck). Dick 
Brown I see you here, too. What you need is a lickin' ; 
and I guess I'll give it to you. (Makes as if to catch 
Brown). 

DICK BROWN No, you won't either. (Escapes) . 

11 



TED DREXEL You shut right up ! An' Jones, an' Rabbit 
Dixon, an' Happy O'Connell, an' Babe Wesson, an' 
Skinnie Dunn, an' Pete Kerns, an' Johnnie Rose, an' 
Snuff Garland, an' (with a sweeping- gesture) all o'you. 
What are you ? Toads, catfish, snails, poodles, chickens. 
You run? Yeh, run! Get out o' here! You are no 
good. Absolutely-no-good. There's only one good boy 
among all o' you. An' that's Ted Drexel ; an' he's help- 
in' his mother. He is a ^oorl boy. He's the kid '11 get 
the ice cream. (Ted steps off the pail, pushes his way 
through the boys) . You and your track-team ! There's 
only one good runner in the whole pack o' you, and 
that's Ted Drexel. An' he's the kid '11 get the ice- 
cVeam. (Exit Ted carrying pail). 

JIMMIE STONE By Jimminy, if that kid aint got the 
sand! He soaked everyone of us and we didn't have 
the nerve to land on him. 

MATT DOYLE Aw, how could we, and he actin' like he 
was Father Nolan? 

JUMBO KING Gee, Father Nolan don't act like that. 

MAX HARTY If he wasn't the priest, I'll bet shu somebody 
would'^ got a lickin'. 

FRANK COLE Bet you was glad, Maxie old kid, he was 
the priest so you couldn't answer him back. 

MAX HARTY Aw, why was I glad that I couldn't answer 
him back ? 

FRANK COLE 'Cause then there wouldn't be no excuse 

for Kckin' you. (Several boys laugh). 
MAX HARTY Think you're smart ! 
RED HAYES Well, I made my speech. Das' somethin'. 
HANK SMITH (Ironically). Your speech? Boy! 
BOB FOX (Imitating) . For as Longfellow says, 
The boy stood on the burain' deck, 
Whence all but he had fled. 

(Boys laugh, and cry ''0 Boy"). 
RED HAYES Well, you make the speech yourself then if 

you want to. I didn't ask fer it. 
DICK BROWN Never mind, Red, old kid. You're the guy 

we want to make the speech. We'll never get into the 

track-meet if you don't help us out. You'd'a gone big 

only for Ted Drexel callin' us toads an' monkies an' 

bull-frogs. 

DREAMS SULLIVAN Yeh, Red's all right. We o' the 
Democratic Party want Red Hayes. He's got the old bunk 

when it comes to talkin'. 
RED HAYES (Getting angry) . Tain't bunk either, Mister. 
DREAMS SULLIVAN Well, it's mush then. 

12 



RED HAYES (Angry). No, tain't. I aint ffoin' let you 
call my speech mush or bunk. 

DREAMS SULLIVAN Yeh, (angrily) your speech is bunk : 
and you're bunk, too. 

RED HAYES Datso? Then take that. (Hits him) 
DREAMS SULLIVAN will I, mister? Then, you take 
that. (Hits him. They fight. The boys rano-e 
around and encourage). Ted Drexel enters carryino- 
ice cream done up in package. Stops and looks at 
nghtmg boys) . 

TED DREXEL I am Father Nolan! You quit that' 
(They keep on fighting. Boys keep on urging them) 
Do you hear? Quit it! Oh, you wont? (Puts his 
package safely away in a corner. Goes out, sayino- 
aside as he does so, I'm g-lad I brought Ma's pail from 
the tinner's.' Returns carrying the pail full of water) 
Quit it ! (Boys continue to fight) . You're prettv hot, 
1 see. 1 11 just cool you off". (Throws water on them 
(The boys are drenched. They separate, wiping the 
water out of their eyes. The other boys laugh) 

HOBO JONES Nice work, Ted ! 

TED DREXEL (Straightening' himself). Who're you 
talkm'to? 

TEDDi^F^E^T w'TTTl I ^,«^^^^t you was the priest. 
DKEXEL Well, don't forget any more. (To Hayes 
and Sullivan) . You boys come here to me. (Thev an- 
proach). You've been fightin'. 

RED HAYES You bet shu. An' any guy that savs that 
I m mush an bunk will have to fight. (The two bovs 
again square off). 

TED DREXEL (Steps out of his role of Father Nolan) 
Now, kids, we've had enough o' this. Let's go down 
to rock bed as Dad says when he thinks I'm tryin' to 
get away with somethin'. Listen, kids, I'm o-oin' to 
quit playm' priest an' you quit fightin'. Tomorrow 
afternoon when Father Nolan comes in to Catechism 
class well ask him to enter the track-meet. Frank 
Cole has already sent the entries to the superintendent 

PFD hIv^^ ^TqI^? two-twenty (Boys applaud) . 

RED HAYES (Shaking water from clothes). Yeh but 
what about my clothes ? 

DREAMS SULLIVAN Yeh, that's what I say, too. (Shakes 
clothes). 

TED DREXEL Huh, never mind that. Father Nolan will 

I^mu"^,^^^^ humor tomorrow afternoon, an' he'll sav 

Thats a very creditable lesson. I'm pleased to find 

you boys doing so well." Then, Red, you stand up and 

make your speech. An', then, fellas, it will be a case 

r» A r>?.Tr?^^^ ^^ liberty or give me death.' 

RABBIT DIXON (Patting Ted Drexel on the head) 
Pretty good bean, old boy. 

13 



TED DREXEL Don't be too fresh, kid! Now listen, fel- 
las: Let's all go home and study the Catechism like 
the dickens. Every guy must plug till he knows it same 
as the 'Hail Mary'. 

HAPPY O'CONNELL An' don't forget the lesson, kids. 
First Commandment, Page 57. 

JUMBO KING we know it, Happy. You needn't tell us. 

BABE WESSON Yeh, but the thing is, will we know it 
tomorrow afternoon? 

SKINNIE DUNN If we don't, then good bye track-meet, 
an' good bye cup. 

PETE KERNS Well, the kid that doesn't know it will be 
lynched, das all. 

JOHNNIE ROSE Yeh, lynched an' then shot. 

SNUFF GARLAND 0, we'll know it all right. It's easy. 
You remember, kids ? Review o' Chapter 13, our lucky 
number. (Reciting sing-song fashion). ''Which are 
the sins against hope? The sins against hope are pre- 
sumption and despair." 

TED DREXEL Let's break up, kids, and go into trainin'. 
If we ken win out at the Catechism we ken win out with 
Father Nolan, an' if we win out with Father Nolan we 
ken enter the track-meet, and then we ken win the cup. 

JIMMIE STONE Let's all go, fellas, and work at the 
Catechism. 

MATT DOYLE And be sure an' let every kid know it. 
One muff may lose the game. Do you hear, Jumbo? 

JUMBO KING 0, I guess I ken say my lesson as well as 
the next guy. 

TED DREXEL S'long kids. Let's break up and plug at 
Christian Doctrine, No. 2. 

FRANK COLE Yeh, let's go. (Boys go out in different 
directions. Red Hayes and Dreams Sullivan go out in 
the same direction behind others. 

RED HAYES (Extending his hand to Dreams Sullivan). 
Excuse me. Dreams, fur beatin' up on you. I'm awful 
sorry. 

DREAMS SULLIVAN (Accepting Hayes' hand). I beg 
your pardon. Red, fur iiatenin' your nose. 

RED HAYES I feel all broke up fur blackenin' your eye. 

DREAMS SULLIVAN Yeh, an' I'm sorry for punchin' 
your head. 

TED DREXEL (Advancing towards them). An' I feel 
worse than any o' you fur making you both look like 
poor fish. (For a little while they look at Ted in dis- 
gust and then arm in arm the two slowly go out. 
Ted gets ice cream, sits on water pail and eats leisure- 
ly, till cre^m is all gone. Takes out book and reads. 
Some moments of silence) . 

VOICE OFF STAGE (In loud whisper). Is Father Nolan 

there, Ted? 

14 



TED DREXEL Nuh, he's gone, Ma. 

VOICE OFF STAGE Did you brin^ him the ice cream, Ted. 
TED DREXEL Yes, Ma. 

VOICE OFF STAGE Did Father Nolan like the cream, 
Ted? 

TED DREXEL Yes, Ma; an' he ate every bit of it. (Con- 
tinues reading). 

CURTAIN. 

ACT II. 

Scene: Class room, next afternoon. Boys seated, 
awaiting arrival of Father Nolan. 

SNUFF GARLAND (Stands up, runs and leaps over va- 
cant desk). Das how I'll do the high-jump, fellas. 

JOHNNIE ROSE (Gets position for start of a race) . An' 
here's how I'll get goin' on the hundred yards. Start 
me, Pete! 

PETE KERNS (Stands up) . All right, I'll start you. Get 

ready! Set! (Imitates pistol shot). Bang — Go! 

(Rose runs a few yards). 
SKINNIE DUNN An' this is the way I'll do the shot put. 

(Imitates putting shot by means of a text-book) . 
JIMMIE STONE You better study your Catechism, Dun- 

nie, or there won't be no track meet. 
SKINNIE DUNN Aw, I aint afraid. 
MATT DOYLE Watch me do the broad-jump, fellas. 

Here's how I'll do it. (Runs and does the broad-jump). 
MAX HARTY I can beat that, Mattie. (Runs and does 

broad-jump). Dat beats you, Mattie. 
MATT DOYLE No siree, I've beat you by two inches. 
MAX HARTY Yes, you have! 
MATT DOYLE Yes, I have. 
BABE WESSON Let's measure. (Gets ruler and begins 

to measure). 
MAX HARTY Aw, don't begin to measure from there. I 

jumped from here. 
MATT DOYLE Das it, Harty, kick just because he's tryin' 

to be fair. 
MAX HARTY Aw, he aint either. I didn't begin there. 
BABE WESSON You both shut up! I'm doin' this. 

(Door opens. Enter Jumbo King carrying his books) . 
HAPPY O'CONNELL Late again. King. How ken we ex- 
pect to get into the track-meet when you don't come in 

time. 
JUMBO KING Never mind about bein' late, kids; only 

listen to me. I got somethin' to tell you. (Pause. King 

enjoying his importance). 
RABBIT DfXON Well, what is it? Don't need to think 

we're goin' to wait all day. 

15 



JUMBO KING Well, believe me, I got somethin' to tell. 
You just bet on that. 

RABBIT DIXON (Showing impatience). Well, come on 
and tell us, then. You just want to show off by keepin' 
us waitin*. 

JUMBO KING Well, when I was comin' in just now I seen 
Father Nolan talkin' to Ted Drexel. An as I was pass- 
in' by Father Nolan he says to me — *'You are late this 
morning, young man." And I held my head down and 
didn't say nothin'. An' then just as I was sneakin' 
away, Father says to Ted. "Ted" he says, *T've got 
some work to do this afternoon and I can't hold Cate- 
chism right away, but you'll hold the class for me till 
I get there." Then I got out o' hearin'. 

HOBO JONES Good night ! We'll certainly raise the Old 
Nick with Mister Ted. 

DREAMS SULLIVAN Wont we! Boy! 

DICK BROWN An' fellas, we'll ask him for the track- 
meet, too; and if he don't give it we'll beat him up. 

BOB FOX Be careful. Brown. Maybe he'd beat you up. 
Besides, he's our star on the two-twenty. Don't forget 
that. 

DICK BROWN I ain't skeered. 

HANK SMITH Let me tell you somethin', kids. We'll 
have more fun if we just act like Ted was Father Nolan 
and answer the questions an' everythin'. An' besides 
Ted is our big two-twenty man an' we got to stick by 
him. 

RED HAYES Yeh, but we ken put questions to him and 
make him use big words. 

FRANK COLE (Standing on his chair speaks in solemn 
voice and gesticulates). Gen-tle-men: When Abra- 
ham Lincoln was president of this great country 
he sought above all things to preserve the Union of 
these states inviolable forever and forever. (Boys 
cheer) . 

MAX HARTY(In the same manner). An' Gen-tle-men, as 
well as la-di-es: When George Washington with his 
brave Colonial Army was starvin' at Valley Forge, he 
was fightin' fer the priceless gift of liberty. (Boys 
cheer) . 

:MATT DOYLE (In the same manner). An' fellow citi- 
zens, I stand here tonight before you to ask your vote 
fer this gentleman, a brave gentleman — a good gentle- 
man — a very fine gentleman — fer — fer — fer — 

JIMMIE STONE Aw, keep still. You aint got no business 
talkin'. 

MATT DOYLE (In a quick jerky manner).. I stand for 
the principles o' Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin 
Franklin, — an' the rest o' the guys. 

J6 



SNUFF GARLAND An' I stand fer—fer—( Enter Ted 
Drexel) . 

TED DREXEL (In very commanding manner). No, you 
don't stand. You just sit down. (Addressing all the 
boys in a grand manner) . I just want you boys all to 
remember that Father Nolan wants me to examine you 
in Catechism, and if any of you don't know the lesson, 
then I'm goin' to lick that kid and there'll be no meet. 
Do you hear? No track meet! (Strikes desk with 
fist. Takes up Catechism). Now, Snuff, what's the 
lesson ? 

SNUFF GARLAND Mr. Garland, when you're speakin' 
to me, please. 

TED DREXEL No, Snuff'll do,— although Sniff would be 
better. Now, Mr. Snuff, what do you know ? 

SNUFF GARLAND What do I know? I know that the 
sins against hope are presumption an' despair. 

TED DREXEL Right. 

JOHNNIE ROSE Ask me something. I know a lot. 

TED DREXEL You know nothin'. You just shut up. 

JOHNNIE ROSE Why must I shut up ? 

TED DREXEL (Slams desk) . First because I say so ; an' 
second, because you're a clam. 

PETE KERNS you ain't so many. Any us kids knows 
as much as you. 

TED DREXEL (Looking disdainfully at Kerns). You 
small potato, you little fish, I wouldn't waste words 
talkin' to you. Mr. Skinnie Dunn, what do you know? 

SKINNIE DUNN I know that an indulgence is the remis- 
sion in whole or in part o' the temporal punishment 
due to sin, — an' that's more than you know. 

TED DREXEL Shut up. I'm the king. What about you, 
Babe ? Do you know anything ? 

BABE WESSON Yeh, I know that the Corporal Works of 
mercy are: To feed the hungry; to give drink to the 
thirsty; to clothe the naked; to ransom the captive; to 
harbor the harborless; to visit the sick; to bury the 
dead. 

TED DREXEL Pretty good. You're not such a boob as 
T exne(^ted 

BABE WESSON Aw, I aint no boob at all. It's you're the 
boob. 

TED DREXEL Shut up. I'm the Sultan o' Turkey. 
Hank, I'm goin' to ask you somethin'. (Turns over the 
leaves of the Catechism). What's the Fourth Com- 
mandment ? 

HANK SMITH The Fourth Commandment is : Honor thy 
father and thy mother. 

TED DREXEL Yeh, that's right. But you don't do it. 

HANK SMITH Yes, I do. 

TED DREXEL Didn't your mother tell you the other day 
to peel potatoes and you didn't do it ? 

17 



HANK SMITH Yeh, but that was because I had a sore 
finger. (Looking at others) . Wasn't it, kids? 

TED DREXEL That'll do. No excuse. (Pointing with 
scorn ) . You — you — ^piker ! 

HANK SMITH I aint either. I— I— 

TED DREXEL Don't answer back. All you got to do is 
to shut up, that's all. Just shut up. 

HAPPY O'CONNELL Ask me somethin'. I ken answer 
anythin'. 

TED DREXEL You kin? I'll see if you ken. (Turns 
over pages of book). Which are the effects of the 
Sacrament of Matrimony ? 

HAPPY O'CONNELL The effects o' the Sacrament o' 
Matrimony are: 1st. To — to — (scratches his head) 
to — to — 

TED DREXEL Sit down. You're no good. (Happy 
O'Connell sits down sulkily. Ted Drexel points to a 
number of boys and says rapidly, ''you — you — you," 
— without giving them time to answer. Each boy ask- 
ed makes effort to ^nswer but is not allowed. Ted 
closes Catechism and slams it on desk) . 

TED DREXEL You pack of ignorants, I'm ashamed o' 
you ! Do you think I'm goin' to waste my time teach- 
in' you! Nixie! Not much! I'm goin' to occupy my 
mind with readin'. That's what I'm goin' to do. You 
just pick up your Catechism an' study. (Takes story 
book out of his pocket, sits on chair back of desk, be- 
gins to read. The class sulkily takes out Catechisms 
and studies. Long pause) . 

RABBIT DIXION Please, Sir, may I go out fer a drink o' 
water ? 

TED DREXEL (Lost in his book). Huh, huh. (Dixon 
goes out. Long pause). 

HOBO JONES Please, Mr. Teacher, I want to sharpen my 
pencil. 

TED DREXEL (Faintly). Huh, huh. (After some mo- 
ments Ted rests his head on desk and falls asleep. 
Pause) . 

JIMMIE STONE (Whispering). Kids, let's go out to the 
yard and practise for the track-meet. 

BOB WESSON (Whispering). Yeh, fellas, let's go. He 
won't miss us. 

MATT DQYLE (Loud whisper). Let's tip-toe out, guys, 
an' for the love o' Pete don't any kid holler. (Boys go 
out tiptoe. Max Harty knocks over a chair which 
makes a noise). 

FRANK COLE (Excitedly, in loud whisper). You poor 
toad! Kent shu make some more noise? 

MAX HARTY (In louder tone). Aw, what's it to you? 
You aint runnin' the bunch. You're just Hke any other 
dray horse. 

18 



RED HAYES (In low determined whisper). Shut up, 
both o' you, or we'll all get pinched! (Exeunt all the 
boys. Long pause, during which Ted breathes audibly. 
Father Nolan enters from the opposite side to which 
boys went out. Stands. Expresses surprise. Looks 
around the room. Turns as he hears Ted's heavy 
breathing. Looks at Ted for some time. Hears talk of 
boys outside. Goes to door through which boys went 
out. Watches boys, through door, for some moments) . 

FATHER NOLAN Well, I declare! (To boys outside). 
What are you boys doing there? 

HANK SMITH (Outside). Practisin' for the track-meet, 
Father. 

FATHER NOLAN The track-meet ? 

BOB FOX Yeh, Father, the school track-meet. 

FATHER NOLAN The school track-meet? 

DICK BROWN Sure, Father. De Pubhc an' Parochial 
schools are all goin' to have a track-meet this after- 
noon, an' the team that wins will get de cup. An' we 
want you, dear Father, to let us enter. 

DREAMS SULLIVAN Yeh, Father, we want you to let us 
enter. Red Hayes has a speech. 

HOBO JONES Yeh, Red Hayes has a fine speech. Father, 
so you'll tell us go in. Speak the piece, Red. 

RED HAYES (From outside) . Dear Father Nolan : We, 
the boys o' St. Paul's School, after having been invited 
by the Superintendent o' the city schools to enter the 
track-meet, come to you now, dear Father, to ask you 
to let us go in with the other kids into the meet. 
(Boys cheer) . For as Longfellow says, 'The boy stood 
on the burnin' deck, whence all but he had fled." (Boys 
cheer). So now, dear and beloved Father, without 
sayin' any more we hope you'll let us go in, because we 
know our Catechism, an' everythin'. 

FATHER NOLAN But how do you all happen to be out 
in the school yard instead of in the class-room? 

JUMBO KING Well you see, Father, Ted, who was examin' 
us, fell asleep an' as we didn't want to wake him we 
thought we'd go out in the yard and practise. 

FATHER NOLAN (Looks back at Ted). 0, that's the 
boy on the burning deck. 

SEVERAL BOYS Yeh, Father— 

FATHER NOLAN Whence all but he has fled? 

SEVERAL BOYS Yeh, Father. 

FATHER NOLAN And when is this track-meet? 

JIMMIE STONE This afternoon at three o'clock, in the 
Commons. 

FATHER NOLAN (Looking at his watch). Well, it's 
nearly two, now. There's no time to be lost. You have 
the permission. Go ahead. (Father Nolan moves 
back and stands in front of Ted's desk. Looks medi- 
tatively at Ted. The boys steal into the class-room 
and get their caps, a valuting pole, bundles containing 

19 



track suits, etc. They go out again very quietly. 
Father Nolan still looks at Ted. He walks slowly to 
the door. At the door he looks back at Ted and says. 

''The boy stood on the burning deck." 
(After a pause during which he looks around the empty 
room) . 

"Whence all but he has fled." (Exit). 

(Long pause in which is heard Ted's loud breathing). 

(Enters Sleep). 

SLEEP 

I am Sleep, the mother of Dreams, 
From twilight until morning gleams. 
Rose red out of the azure East, 
I w^ave my wand over man and beast. 
Children have I numbering eight. 
Who come to sleepers, early, late. 
You, stranger, taking here your rest, 
Pray tell me w^hich you like the best ? 
Come, children, come in magic ring. 
And tell the blessings that you bring. 
(Enters Sloth). 
(The dreams, as they enter, form in semi-circle to the 

front of desk. 
First four on left, second four on right). 

SLOTH 

I am Sloth. I make boys yawn 

And stretch themselves from dawn to dawn. 

When they should work I make them rest, 

So they will fail in every test. (Distraction Enters). 

I make them loaf in shady nooks. 

And hat« the very sight of books. 

DISTRACTION 

Distraction I. With all my might 

I turn your head from left to right. 

I make you squirm about your chair, 

I tell you pull your neighbor's hair. 

When you should listen, I make you talk. 

And grin, and throw a piece of chalk. (Tardiness 

Enters) . 
I have a million dunce-caps made 
For boys who do not make their grade. 

TARDINESS 

Tardiness I. I make boys rise 

An hour too late, with sleepy eyes. 

I make them crawl with dragging pace 

To comb the hair and wash the face. 

When Mother says, ''Now, Ted, you hurry," 

I make you say, "Ah Ma, don't worry." (Trifling 

Enters). 
I put on schoolboys' heels a weight 
So they'll come twenty minutes late. 
20 



TRIFLING 

Trifling I. On hill and valley 

All the long day I dilly-dally. 

I tell boys scrawl their names at speUing ; 

Their marbles count when teacher's telling 

The size of every sovereign state 

From Sandy Hook to Golden Gate. (Industry 

Enters) . 
Then laugh in glee when in June I hear 
The words: "Same class another year."' 

INDUSTRY 

Industry I am. The long day through, 

I work at what I'm told to do. 

My eyes get heavy, my heart grows sad, 

When I see school-boys shirk and gad. 

I girdle the rivers, I tunnel the hills, 

I turn the wheels of a million mills. (Attention 

Enters). 
Who follows my path will carve his name 
On the Patient Workers* Tablet of Fame. 

ATTENTION 

Behold me ! Scarce have I need to mention 
My name to the studious boy, Attention. (Prompt- 
ness Enters). 
My eyes are straight, my head erect. 
From tip to toe, there's no defect. 

PROMPTNESS 

Promptness my name. It's the happy lot 

Of boys I choose to be on the dot. (Neatness 

Enters) . 
They come on the fly when the school-bell rings 
For their shoulders and heels are shod with wings. 

NEATNESS 

Neatness am I. With no single speck 

On my hands or my face or the back of my neck. 

I carry a towel, a sponge and soap ; 

All unwashed boys I hang with a rope. 

Above all things, Ted, don't make a mess. 

For 'Neatness is next to godliness.' 

SLEEP (The eight spirits circle around Sleep). 

I must leave you, now, with my children all, 
For Wakefulness hastens with clarion call. 
Choose of the four that please you best, 
And when you have chosen, put each to test. 

(They execute a dance to music and disappear. Pause 
during which Ted's breathing is audible). 

21 



JIMMIE STONE (Rushes in throujBrh the door leading 
from yard, dressed in track suit and sweater. 
Excitedly). Come on, Ted! They're waitin' fer you. 
The 220 is going to be run off in a few minutes. (Goes 
up to Ted, shakes him) . Hurry up, it's the last thing 
on! They're doin' the high jump now. Wake up, 
wake up, I tell you ! (Shakes Ted violently) . 

TED DREXEL (Half waking). Yeh, Sleep, I'm all right. 
I'm — I'm up. (Sho^k^s signs of not being fully awake). 
An', Sleep, I'll take Industry, an' Attention, an' Prompt- 
ness an' Neatness. 

JIMMIE STONE (In astonishment). You're crazy, Ted! 
You're clean loony ! 

TED DREXEL (Still half asleep). No, I aint. I just 
don't want Sloth to make me yawn an' stretch myself 
all the time; nor Distraction to be twistin' my head; 
nor Tardiness to keep me late fer school; nor Triflin' 
to make me count my marbles and scribble when I 
should be studyin' my spellin'. 

JIMMIE STONE (Shaking Ted roughly) . For the love o' 
Pete, what's the matter with you, Ted Drexel? Ken't 
you hear? Are you in heaven, or where? Listen! 
We're goin' to lose the track-meet if you don't come on 
over fer the 220 yards right away. If we win it, we 
win the meet. 

TED DREXEL (Looking around in wonder, still half 
asleep) . Meet ? 220 yards ? What shu talkin' about ? 

JIMMIE STONE (Earnestly) . Listen, Ted, you're dream- 
in', or you're crazy, or you're in heaven. I don't know 
which. But whichever one it is, come on out of it an' 
come on over, or we'll lose the meet. 

TED DREXEL you're— you're— you're— (slowly). Yeh, 
sure! You're Jimmie — Jimmie Stone. 

JIMMIE STONE Sure thing, Mike! An' you're Ted 
Drexel. 

TED DREXEL Yeh. But where's Mrs. Sleep 

JIMMIE STONE Gosh ! I bet you're crazy. 

TED DREXEL (Stands up and goes down from platfonn) . 
I tell you I want to know where's Mrs. Sleep and her 
eight children ? 

MATT DOYLE (Rushes in dressed in track suit and bath 
robe). Say, fellas, are you goin' to stay here all day? 
They're nearly ready for the 220. If Ted don't 
hurry we'll lose d-e cup. 

JIMMIE STONE (Extending both hands). What ken I 
do? Here's a guy that is in heaven or — or — crazy, I 
don't know which. (Coaxingly). Come on, Ted! 
Das a boy ! Let's go ! 

TED DREXEL I'll go if— if— Industry, an' Attention, an' 
Promptness, an' Neatness come along wid me. 

2? 



JIMMIE STONE Sure, Mike, they ken come ! 

MATT DOYLE (Aside) . Is Ted crazy ? 

JIMMIE STONE (Aside). Yeh, or in heaven. 

TED DREXEL Where's Industry? 

MATT DOYLE Right here. (Aside to Jimmie Stone). 
He's crazy. 

TED DREXEL (Excitedly). Where's Attention? 

JIMMIE STONE (Stands at attention). Right here. 
(Aside to Matt Doyle) . Ted's in heaven, sure. 

TED DREXEL Where's Promptness? 

JIMMIE STONE At your elbow. (To Matt Doyle). This 
boy is sure in Kingdom Come. 

TED DEEXEL Bring me Neatness. 

MATT DOYLE Come on, Neatness, Ted wants you. (To 
Jimmie). He don't want a track suit. He wants a 
straight jacket. 

JIMMIE STONE Naw, he's in heaven. Requiescat in 
Pace! 

MATT DOYLE Amen. 

TED DREXEL Bring me Industry, Attention, Prompt- 
ness an' Neatness. 

MATT DOYLE They're all here— 

JIMMIE STONE In their track suits, 

TED DREXEL (Solemnly) . Then we'll go. (Matt Doyle, 
Jimmie Stone with Ted Drexel, still not fully awake, 
go out. At the door Jimmie turns back and says: 
*'Gooy bye, Mrs. Sleep. Will see you later"). 

CURTAIN 

ACT III. 

Scene. The Commons. Track-meet. Several boy 
athletes seen contesting for the honors in the high jump. 

Some of the boys of St. Paul's School dressed in track suits. 
Snuff Garland, Jumbo King, and Johnnie Rose standing 
somewhat apart from the other boys. 

SNUFF GARLAND I must say we pulled one big boner 

when we went^away without Ted. 
JOHNNIE ROSE We thought we had such a fine joke 

on him, we forgot all about the 220. 
JUMBO KING Yeh, an' I'll bet shu he don't come, or if 

he does, it'll be after the whole thing's over. 
SNUFF GARLAND Gosh, but you're a cheerful guy! 
JOHNNIE ROSE But honest, fellows, I hope Matt and 

Jimmie hurry. (Pete Kerns, Skinnie Dunn and others 

watching the high jump). 
PETE KERNS Who's that guy goin' to jump now? 
SKINNIE DUNN Das the guy from Lyden. I'll bet 

shu he wins. (Boy from Lyden School seen to jump 

over the bar. Cheers from his following. Three 

23 



other boys attempt ; two fail in their trials. Boy from 
Washington School clears bar also. Cheers. There 
are comments and motions and attitudes peculiar to a 
crowd watching a contest in high jumping. Once or 
twice is heard the call, "All get ready for the 220 yds." 
Finally the high jump event is nearing the close. After 
the mark is raised, the Washington jumper knocks 
down the bar. Lyden School athlete also fails. Dur- 
ing the progress of the jumping there is heard the 
warning, **A11 out for the 220 yards, final event of the 
meet"). 

PETE KERNS Gosh, if Ted don't get here, it's all over. 
Lyden School is two points ahead. We need the 220 
to win. I guess we'd better pray. 

SKINNIE DUNN Yeh, but who're we goin' to pray to? 

PETE KEPvNS St. Anthony. He finds anything when you 
lose it. 

SKINNIE DUNN Well, we sure have lost the meet if Ted 
don't get here. 

PETE KERNS We could pray to St. Michael. He won a 
big victory when he drove the devil out of heaven. 

SKINNIE DUNN I think we 'd better pray to somebody 
who was a good runner. 

PETE KERNS Suppose we pray to St. John. He was a 
fast runner, 'cause he beat St. Peter when they ran to 
the tomb. 

(The boy from Washington School fails in his third 
attempt to clear the high jump. The boy from Lyden 
clears it, in his third attempt. Great cheering. The 
boys from St. Paul's School all get together in a group. 
Kerns and Dunn join them). 

BABE WESSON It's all over, fellas. It's all over. We've 
lost. Lyden School will win the 220 easy. If Ted was 
here we'd 'a had a chance. 

JUMBO KING Well, that's what we get for puttin' over 
our joke. The joke is on us, I guess. 

HAPPY O'CONNELL Gosh, an' only last night we was 
braggin' how we'd go to the school an' show de cup 
to the Sisters. ^ 

RABBIT DIXON Yeh, and we said how we'd make a 
speech to Father Nolan and give it to him. 

HOBO JONES Good bye, track-meet! Good bye, cup! 

DREAMS SULLIVAN Gosh, if Ted would only come ! It's 
time yet. 

DICK BROWN An^ after all our plannin' this is how it 
ends. Say, kids, wouldn't it have been great to win 
from Lyden. They're the greatest old stuck-ups in 
town. Gosh, I'd give anything if Ted would only come. 
What kids went after him, Pete? 

PETE KERNS Matty and Stone. Gee whiz, why don't 
they get here! 

24 



VOICE FROM OUTSIDE All entries for the 220 yard 

dash come this way. 
BOB FOX (Looking out). There they go, fellas, up to 

the start. (Counting) . One, two, three, four, five. 

Ted would 'a made it six. Yeh, an' Ted would 'a won, 

too. Ain't it a shame kids ? And just when we almost 

had it won, too. 
HANK SMITH That's always the way, kids. When you 

want somethin' awful bad, you don't get it; an' when^ 

you're sure you'll win somethin', you lose it. 
RED HAYES Well, that's hfe, as Father Nolan says. 

Didn't he say the other day that Our Lord told some- 
body somethin' 'bout losin' his hfe and findin' it? 
FANK COLE Yeh, I remember that. ''He that shall lose 

his life shall find it." 
VOICE FROM OUTSIDE St. Paul's, where's your entry 

for the 220 ? We're all set. (Short pause) . 
SNUFF GARLAND (Hesitating). Hes— he's— ^ettin' 

ready in the dressin' room. He's comin'. He'll be 

here soon. 
JOHNNIE ROSE Gosh, das a He, Snuff. We'll never 

win de track-meet that way. We're never goin' to win 

de track-meet by lyin'. 
SNUFF GARLAND Aw, 'taint a He, either. Aint he in 

the dressin' room — maybe? An' ain't he comin' — I 

think ? An' won't he be here soon — I hope ? 
PETE KERNS. kids, this is awful. The one time in all 

the world that we want Ted. An' he ain't here. I'd 

crj-^ — if I wasn't a boy! 
SKINNIE DUNN Let's pray, kids. It's the only thing 

we've got left. The 'postles are in the boat and the 

ship is near sinkin'. 
BABE WESSON Yeh, we're the 'postles. 
JUMBO KING It's all over, I tell you,kids. 
BABE WESSON We're 'postles in the ship on the sea. 

Let's pray! 
JUMBO KING It's all over, I tell you, guys. We've lost, 

HAPPY O'CONNELL Aw, keep still, you old Calamity 

Jane ! You're a quitter. You lose a game before you 

start it. You hand a fella a home-run before he's 

bought a bat. 
RABBIT DIXON Yeh, das what I say, too. I think 

we'd better pray, as Skinnie says. 
HOBO JONES Yeh, but what prayer'll we say? The 

Rosary ? 
DREAMS SULLIVAN Naw, we ain't got no time. The 

race would be over before we'd 'a finished. 
DICK BROWN An' besides Ted ain't here to lead it like 

he does in church. 
JUMBO KING It's all over, I tell you, kids ! It's all over! 

2f 



DICK BROWN Aw, shut up! You'd give a nickel to a 

mouse if he'd squeak at you. 
BOB FOX Yeh, you'd begin to cry, and say "Please don't 

hit me," if you'd see a guy shuttin' his fist trying to 

ketcK" a fly. 
HOBO JONES I tell you, kids, we got to pray, right now; 

right this very minute. 
RABBIT DIXON Yeh, let's go to it. Let's say one 'Hail 

Mary' that Ted may get here, and let's do it quick. 
•HANK SMITH All right, fellas. Ready, get set— go! 

(Boys take off their caps and pray for a few moments). 
VOICE FROM OUTSIDE We're waiting for your man, St. 

Paul's. 
RED HAYES (After short pause, putting on his cap). 

He's comin'. 
VOICE FROM OUTSIDE We'll wait just one minute 

longer. 
FRANK COLE (To boys). Gosh, why don't he come? 
JUMBO KING It's all over, I tell you, kids ! It's all over ! 
MAX HARTY Aw, keep still. You— you old frog. 
MATT DOYLE Yeh, you old croaker. What f er did you 

pray ? 
SNUFF GARLAND Yeh, what fer did you pray? You— 

you — old — old — Pontius Pilate. 
JOHNNIE ROgE Half the minute's nearly gone, fellas. 
PETE KERNS (Looking out). Come on, Ted, old kid and 

save us ! I'll forgive you everythin', even for breakin' 

the big blade on my new knife. 
SKINNIE DUNN (Looking out). ,An' I'll almost forgive 

you for eatin' the whole watermelon I got for drivin' 

Brown's grocery wagon fer two hours. 
HAPPY O'CONNELL Come on, Ted, and don't let us lose 

the old track-nieet ! 
JUMBO KING It's all'over, I tell you, kids ! It's all over! 
RABBIT DIXON (Stepping up to King). You poor, an- 
cient fish, will you get under the water? 
HOBO JONES Yeh, the bottom of the sea for you. 
DREAMS SULLIVAN (Looking out). Come on, Ted. 

We've said our prayers. 
DICK BROWN (Who has been looking out for some time. 

Shouts) . He's comin' kids ! He's comin' ! 
BOB FOX Honest to Christmas! There he is! (Boys 

shout, and cheer, and jump around in joy). 
HANK SMITH Hurry on, Ted. We've been prayin'. 
RED HAYES Yeh, we're tired prayin'. 
FRANK COLE Come on, Ted! We sure need you, old 

kid. An' we forgive you everythin'. (The boys all 

keep looking out. Max Harty, Frank Cole, Hank 

Smith, rush out to meet Ted. Some loud talking out- 
side. These same boys return with Jimmie Stone, Matt 

Doyle and Ted Drexel who wears track suit and 

sweater) . 

20 



HAPPY O'CONNELL (Excitedly). Hurry, Ted! They- 
're waittn*. 

TED DREXEL (Without excitement). Yeh, I'm hurry- 
in' (Addressing the others as he walks on slowly) . An' 
say, kids, I'm just woke up. But hsten to me! 
(Solemnly) : Don't have nothin' to do with Sloth or 
Distraction or Tardiness, or Triflin'. An' you just keep 
an eye on Industry an' Attention an' Promptness an' 
Neatness. (Solemnly and pointing with his finger). 
Take it from me ! I'm tellin' you somethin' ! 

VOICE FROM OUTSIDE Time's up, St. Paul's, for your 
entry. 

TED DREXEL All right, we're comin'. ^ (Again to boys). 
Mind I'm telhn' you somethin' ! 

(Ted, Jimmie Stone, Matt Doyle, Red Hayes, Frank 
Cole go up to starting place. The others group around 
the tape at the finish in such a way as to have the finish 
of the race visible to the audience. During conver- 
sation which follows, boys stand beside the track). 

MAX HARTY It's up to Ted, kids. If he don't win, well— > 
it can't be done, das all. 

HANK SMITH There's Ted, now, practising his start. 
Some form I'll say! 

BOB FOX Yeh, but form ain't everythin'. You got to 
have speed just as well as form. Look at me how I 
won the broad jump, and I ain't got much form. 

DICK BROWN Say but you're the guy that hands your- 
self the orange blossome! Gosh, how you hate your- 
self! 

BOB FOX Well, ain't I statin' a fact? Aint it the truth. 
Dreams? (Gesture to Dreams). 

DREAMS SULLIVAN Nuh. 

BOB FOX You poor fish ! 

HOBO JONES Listen to me, kids. Ted's got to win. We 
can't let the Lyden guys carry off de cup. 

RABBIT DIXON You said somethin', Hobo. 

JUMBO KING It's all over, kids. We'll lose, das all. 

HAPPY D'CONNELL (Imitating). It's all over, kids. 
We'll lose, das all. You poor, old rubber head ! 

BABE WESSON Yeh, you — you — you — broken spoke in 
the front wheel of a hearse. 

SKINNIE DUNN (Moving out a little). They're gettin' 
into place, fellas. Ted's got third position. 

PETE KERNS (Pushing him back) . Yeh, but das no rea- 
son for buttin' in, mister. 

SKINNIE DUNN Well, kent I see? 

PETE KERNS Yes, you ken. But other guys would like 
to see, too. 

JUMBO KING Ted'll lose, das all. 

JOHNNIE ROSE Croak, why don't you? 

SNUFF GARLAND Yeh, buy your coffin and be happy. 

27 



MAX HARTY They're gettin' set, fellas. 

HANK SMITH Now Ted, it's up to you, old kid. 

BOB FOX They're— 

MAX HARTY Shut up! (Pistol report). 

DICK BROWN There they come, kids. Com on, Ted! 

DREAMS SULLIVAN Get the lead, Ted, old boy! 

HOBO JONES That's the old kid, Ted ! 

(There are shouts: "Come on, Ted." "0 Ted." ''Keep 
it up." etc., etc. Then great cheering and throwing 
up of caps, and pushing and waving of arms. Great 
demonstration as Ted crosses the tape some inches 
ahead. All ^his must be done with as much natural- 
ness as possible. A real finish of a race must be en- 
acted. The boys all crowd around Ted and shake hands 
with him and clap him on the shoulders. Some execute 
hand-springs, others jump around in happy excite- 
ment) . 

BOB WESSON (Holding Ted's hand).. You're a brick! 

DICK BROWN (His hand on Ted's shoulder) . Ted, you- 
're the real old greyhound ! 

MAX HARTY Yeh, Ted, your name will be in the paper 
tomorrow just hke you was "the boy stood on the 
burnin' deck" or "My Country, 'tis o' thee." 

FRANK COLE Yeh, Ted. You'll be hke Caesar— only 
bigger. 

TED DREXEL Say kids, there's nothin' to all that stuff. 
All you got to do it to make friends with Industry an' 
Attention an' Promptness an' Neatness, an' you kin 
win any race. 

FRANK COLE Say, Ted, what shu tryin' to give us ? 

JIMMIE STONE Listen, kids. I want to tell you some- 
thin'. Ted's had a dream, an' he seen eight ghosts. 

MATT DOYLE Yeh, livin' ghosts, kids. What were their 
names, again, Ted? 

TED DREXEL Never mind their names. I ain't goin' to 
say nothin' more about 'em till I go to Confession. 
G'me my sweater, Pete. 

PETE KERNS (Handing sweater). Ted, you old kid, 
you could ask me to do anything 'cept break the Com- 
mandments an' I'd do it fer you. (Puts arm over 
Ted's shoulder) . You're a brick ! 

JIMMIE STONE (Enters on the run, carrying silver loving 
cup) . I got it, fellas. She's a beauty. 

MATT DOYLE L'me see it. 

MAX HARTY Give it to me. 

FRANK COLE No, Jimmie, 1' me take it. I won the shot- 
put. 

RED HAYES An' didn't I get third in the mile? 

FRANK SMITH let me have it. I'd a won the 440 only 
I fell. 

JIMMIE STONE I guess I'll keep it. I'm the manager. 

28 



FRANK SMITH (Touching it with his hand). I ken feel 

it anyhow. Gee, it's hard. 
BOB FOX L'me touch it, Jimmie. I nearly got third in 

the mile. 
JIMMIE STONE I'm the manager and I'll keep it, das all. 

Youse ken all look at it. (Holds the cup aloft. Boys 

look in admiration at the cup. Enter Father Nolan un- 
noticed by the boys. Stands and watches them a short 

distance away). 
DICK BROWN What's it made of, Jimmie? 
JIMMIE STONE Silver. 

DREAMS SULLIVAN Naw, tain't. It's silver plated. 
JIMMIE STONE Das so? How do you know, mister? 
DREAMS SULLIVAN 0, I ken tell. 
JIMMIE STONE Aw you just think you ken. I know it's 

silver. 
DREAMS SULLIVAN An' I know it's silver-plated. 
JIMMIE STONE Naw, you don't. 
DREAMS SULLIVAN Yes, I do. 
JIMMIE STONE Bet shu two bits. 
HOBO JONES Bet him. Dreams. 
DREAMS SULLIVAN I bet shu. 
JIMMIE STONE Well, we'll leave it to Father Nolan. He 

ken tell silver from silver-plated any time. 
RABBIT DIXON I'll say he ken. Let's go and show him 

de cup and he'll decide. 
HAPPY O'CONNELL Yeh, let's go. (Boys turn to go. 

See Father Nolan. Show signs of great surprise) . 
JUMBO KING (Aside). Gosh, dere's Father Nolan. 
BABE WESSON (Aside). Yeh, and he heard Jimmie 

sayin' he could tell the difference between silver and 

silver-plated ! 

(Boys approach Father Nolan). 
JIMMIE STONE (Excitedly). Father! We won de cup! 
SKINNIE DUNN Yeh, Father, we beat all the schools. 
PETE KERNS Ted won the 220 an' that won de cup, 

Father. 
FATHER NOLAN (Showing surprise). Ted won the cup? 

Why, the last time I saw Ted he was the boy on the 

burning deck, whence all but he had fled. 
MATT DOYLE Yeh, but we pulled him out o' the deck. 

Father, an' saved his life. (Boys look at one another 

and laugh). 
JOHNNIE ROSE Yeh, and then he won de meet. 
FATHER NOLAN (Looking at Ted) . Why, Ted, you are 

quite borne down by honors. You are Professor of 

(Catechism, hero of the burning deck, and winner of the 

track-meet, all in one afternoon. What do you think 

of it? 
TED DREXEL Aw, Father, I'm awful sorry for sleepin' 

at Catechism an' — an' — I ask your pardon an' — an' — 

an* — I'm very glad we won the track-meet — an' de cup. 

29 



FATHER NOLAN Why, Ted, that's a very nice speech; 
almost as good as our friend Hayes could make, (Boys 
laugh) . 

JIMMIE STONE And, Father, Dreams says de cup is 
silver-plated, an' I think it's silver, an' we want you to 
tell us. 

FATHER NOLAN (With mock humility). Really, boys, 
I'm no judge of such things. 

SNUFF GARLAND Oh yes, you are. Father; you ken tell 
silver any time. You ken tell it every Sunday in the 
collection. 

FATHER NOLAN (Aside). H'm. These young men are 
very brilliant today. (To boys). Well, let's see your 
cup. (Jimmie Stone hands him cup. Father Nolan 
examines it for some moments, holds the cup in one 
hand, addresses all the boys) . 

How many took part in the meet? (Several boys hold 
up their hands). How many won points? (A lesser 
number hold up their hands). How many of you 
practised hard so you might win? (All hands up). 
You didn't cheat in order to win? 

ALL No, Father. 

FATHER NOLAN And no boy is jealous, because some 
other boy won and he lost 

ALL No, Father. 

FATHER NOLAN Well, boys, this cup is neither silver 
nor silver-mounted. (Pause). It's gold. (Boys ex- 
press surprise) . Understand me, it may be silver or 
brass, or any other kind of metal, but patient practice 
and large-heartedness, and sportsmanship, and a high 
sense of honor have transformed it into o^old. 

TED DREXEL (Excitedly) . An', Father, didn't Industry, 
an' Attention an' Promptness an' Neatness have some- 
thing to do wid it, too ? 

FATHER NOLAN Of course, Ted; only (Looking at the 
boys) Neatness must have been on a leave of absence. 
(Boys look at one another and laugh. Father Nolan 
hands cup towards Jimmie Stone) . 

JMMIE STONE Father, we won it for you. We want you 
to keep it. 

SEVERAL BOYS Yeh, Father, you keep it. 

FATHER NOLAN Very well, boys, I accept this gold cup 
won by the boys of St. Paul's School. I shall place it 
on the ''burning deck" of the Catechism room where the 
boy who took the winning event slept when "all but he 
had fled," and shall inscribe on this gold cup Ted's four 
cardinal virtues: Industry, Attention, Promptness and 
Neatness. How do you like it ? (Holding up the cup). 

ALL Fine. (Great cheering). 

CURTAIN. 

30 



BY THE SAME AUTHOR 

School Plays 
The Ship in the Wake (1916) 29 boy characters. 

Presented in 213 schools. 

*'A real boys' play teaching a helpful lesson and full of 
boy laughter." 50 cents. 

The Saving of Pug Halley (1919) 20 boy characters. 

Presented in 87 schools. 

**It is a bright little play full of hfe and fun." 50 cents. 
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purchased if plays are produced. 

SHORT STORIES 
Round About Home (1914). $1.50. 

Exquisite stories of Irish life. 

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Memory Sketches (1920). $1.35. 

Story sketches of life in Creelabeg. 
"A book full of beautiful ideas." American Eccl. Re- 
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POEMS 

Songs of Creelabeg (1916). $1.40. 

*'Bits of Celtic magic, hearty homecoming songs." 
Literary Digest. 

School Plays Publishing Company, 
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